I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Drake has all the answers
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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