I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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