I am puke
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He uses pillows to masturbate.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
there is glitter all over my balls
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
