no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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