It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
