is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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