Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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