Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
