the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
