Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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