Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize