I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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