I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I could make wine with my vomit
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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