I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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