Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
