I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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