Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
