I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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