Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
