Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
