The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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