I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
