We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
