Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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