she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
