I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
