Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
