I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
