Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You can't just leave with hair like that
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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