i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
