my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
