Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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