You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
