Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
