Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
