College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
