so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
