it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
