He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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