Will you blow on my dice?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
