Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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