Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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