tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
