I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
