On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
