hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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