I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just pee around me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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