i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
