I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
