i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
