I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
