literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
