So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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