Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
