Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
