Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
