I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
