why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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